Charcoal Ink

Cruel: That should be the word to describe what fancying someone can be like. It almost feels like a practical joke that has been played on you. We got snowed in today so I didn’t go into uni. I spent most of the day watching vintage House episodes from series 1-3. House is a programme that has spawned some great fan videos of YouTube over the supposed (un)requited love between the eponymous doctor and his female employee, Dr.Cameron, best exemplified below:

House: “They like you. Everyone likes you.”
Cameron: “Do you? I have to know.”
House: “No.”  (from House, M.D Guide/Episode 1×14)

It’s always devastating watching or reading something in which people get rejected for their feelings, even if it is fiction. Then again, we have all been there where we invest so much of our feelings onto someone, when it is not reciprocated, the cruelty of it becomes all the more apparent.

Respite: That’s what I had been searching for a few years ago when I had this big old crush on this guy, a long time before I fell for the man who would be my boyfriend. The guy I fancied, this Gentleman X, is something I hate talking about just because how irrational it made me. But after watching Cameron *suffer* in silence, it made me think, for me, it was like this never ending cycle of fancying someone to the point where it drove me (and my suffering friends) crazy. When I fell in love for the first time with my boyfriend, it all changed from there, but I still know what Cameron felt like; I know why she asked House ‘I need to know’. She needed to be set free from the torture of pining for someone who may or may not have any interest in her. It’s agonising not being allowed respite because you know it’s not love, but it feels that way.

Under the weather: The tell tale sign of a hardcore crush on someone is when your mood starts to change, like Transport for London’s live travel news. When I look back at my days of fancying Gentleman X, my mood was like an inverted rollercoaster at Thorpe Park – I wanted the person to like me (when I didn’t *know* him). I wanted him to like me for all the wrong reasons. And it made me miserable thinking that he didn’t know who I was or what I was about.

This is why having a crush is like a brittle branch of the tree of infatuation. It isn’t a full blown obsession yet but when the feelings are not reciprocated, be assured that the tree will start to lose its’ branches just as your feelings start to plummett to the floor.

School: Please let’s not even get into the schoolgirl crushes some of us had on our teachers! In House, Wilson described Cameron’s situation best when he said:

Young, ingenue doctor falling in love with gruff, older mentor; her sweet gentle nature bringing him to a closer, fuller understanding of his wounded heart.(from House, M.D Guide/Episode 1×20)

Hope: When a crush mutates into infatuation or love, this can be the desired effect for many people. I think when you fancy someone, you like the idea of them but it only becomes whole when you fall for them. Falling in love and having a crush are two separate things. Secretly pining for someone is never the way to go in order to grow a healthy image of your self-esteem.

In that sense, Cameron is effed. She has that rare condition where you fancy someone & you are falling in love with them, without even saying the words. But then again, that affliction touches us all at some point in our lives.